after the storm

And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.

And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.

I will die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and mine so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

the happiest girl

I'm so pleased with my life right now. Senior year is turning out to be the best year of my life; everything is better than expected. The scholarships, report cards, test scores, congratulations, and encouragements are keeping my spirits high every day. My friends are great, my job is easy, and my parents are cooler and more supportive than ever.

On top of all that, I've got the greatest significant other I could ever ask for. He supports me in all I do and inspires me constantly: my creativity has never been more easy to access and put to work in music, art, writing, etc. He's my best friend and biggest fan in the world.

I love you, kyle.

summer pt. II

In a cove connected
Between the blanket and the skies,
It was then I knew the sunshine
Was reflected in my eyes.

The carousel beneath us
Sang through my august nights -
"The summer feels like stubble
And it smells like northern lights."

no more nightmares... I hope

I keep having those "I want to go home" kind of days, where no matter where I am, I feel like I should be somewhere else. Not my house.

At least I finally had a good dream. It was about cliff diving.

this

the boy and girl fell in love,

so he gave her a mandolin.

"This is the dream life," he said.

It definitely is.
I always knew in the back of my mind that one of these days I'd grow up and find my place in the world. I had accepted being unsure of myself years ago; it was a good excuse for being paranoid, cynical, and passive-aggressive about everything. To everyone.

But, what's the point in living like that forever? Pity will never make me happy. Sympathy won't make me love myself. Not even being liked, accepted, and wanted will make me feel fulfilled. I'm glad I finally realized that wallowing in my own insecurities will only perpetuate them; being optimistic is the only way I'm ever going to get out of my own mind and start living my life.

I have become self-sufficient lately, at least in the emotional and mental aspects. I'm strong enough to take care of myself and to keep from falling apart. I have learned to love my strengths and my weaknesses at the same time. I have learned that I'm really fortunate, in a lot of ways. I don't believe in a god but I know I have a purpose in my life: a purpose I've created for myself, to be successful using my gifts and experiences.

I learned a lot this summer. There were bumps along the way, but the path less travelled gave me a new perspective on myself, my surroundings, and my future. The brilliance and wisdom of a very important person helped me, for sure. He was the spark that lit the fire.

I am happy, now. I have a foundation to be happy, forever. I'm not going to let anyone bring me down. This is my life, and I love it.

________________________

"The same future you have, tomorrow, won't be the same one you had, yesterday." - Rant Casey

flying

a breath of saturday morning air, slow down.
blue eyes open a little. blue walls, blue sky, blue shirt,
and a yellow sun.
it's late.
cold wood on hot feet.
float down the stairs quietly -
there are people sleeping like we used to sleep.

good day, copilot. it's time to warm our wings and take off. mountains wait for us out west up north away from here, real mountains we can climb and scale, mountains made out of rock instead of medicine, with a view at the top instead of guilty nights alone in the bedroom. tie your boots, copilot, it's time to fly. it's time to get out of here. it's time to finally feel that beautiful blue saturday morning sun on our backs instead of seeing it through dirty glass like we've been doing for weeks. are you ready, copilot?
are you ready to get away?
are you awake?
do you want to be?

my mind

instead of thoughts there's this weird music in my head that sounds like nothing but feels like everything, a melody of forgotten words and quiet lullabys. nothing changes but everything moves in a constant turmoil brewing beneath the scattered stars, clouded and dusty from the sunlight never touching. the glass dome holds it in so easily broken, cracked, blown from wind, gentle air on a lonely zephyr or an angry typhoon of blistery gusts. we are born in side the dome, and everyone dies in side the dome, and nobody lives forever, except the lucky. existence is an impossibility outside the opaque window but we live on, working and suffering and hurting, and only the ones inside the fire give up (but some can come back from the grave). it's forsaken, it's ungodly, it's terrible and crude... but it is my life, and it is a very lonely place.

summer

Sixty miles an hour, driving towards a wall
Running to the sunset, bracing for the fall
Lighting up a cigarette, forgetting to inhale
Walking through the forest, looking for a trail.

Sunglasses and sunscreen, to cover up my face
Cover up your ashes - we can't leave a trace
Of any of our lying, because they can see us here
Waiting to find on us the tell-tale scent of fear.

I've got one twenty-seven, take it and we'll share
We can love each other, but we have to stay aware
Listen for their footsteps, I promise they'll be loud
Sing for us, angel, I promise I'll be proud.

Just past the sunset, somewhere in your eyes,
The whole world's lit up with all the fireflies.
Dusk has passed and we're all alone,
In the loudest silence that we've ever known.

We need to find some fire; it's going to get dark
And we can't stay out past curfew, here at Cherry Park.

--------

I really should stop wandering through people's old blog posts. I'm tired of feeling nauseous over shit that doesn't even matter anymore.

it's almost three am

and I can't believe I missed your call.
the hours slid by on a rollercoaster track, racing through my mind, blurs of colors and loud music with no end. my heart raced all night and you were nowhere near me.

I fell asleep listening to my own chaos, instead of your voice like music in my ears.

I was young and stupid then, but I'm older now - please still need me in the morning.

_____

2:22 a.m. You have four missed calls.

9:16, 9;17, 9:21, 9:58.

For an hour, you were missed, but you wouldn't even pick up the phone. How could you be so heartless...

You have three unheard messages. First unheard message. Second unheard message. Third unheard message. First skipped message...

hypothetically

maybe if we aren't god's favorite universe, and there's one better than this and one worse, well maybe those other two are heaven and hell.

maybe hell came first, then earth, then heaven. because after all, practice makes perfect.

this is all if I believed in god, of course

and didn't care about capitalization

tonight

was fucking beautiful.

backward into thought

So last night I came to the realization
That when I was a child I used to dream about what being a teenager was like. And right now, at this moment, I am experiencing the future that I imagined.

It was as if I had regained my childhood psyche, and was perceiving the present as myself from the past.

Seth made fun of me when I told him this. I wish I could explain it better.

just jealous

you're just jealous 'cause we're young and in love.

It's nights like these that make me realize just how glamorous life can be.

infinity

I wish the room would stop spinning and my mind would stop racing;
It's as if nothing is real anymore, all the time.
This past week is faded at the edges, and I'm ready for it to be over and for life to start picking up momentum again.


I would like to describe how disappointed in myself I am, but I can't seem to find the words.